How Chemistry Impacts Our Choice of Good/Bad Partners

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Why is that old cliché of girls liking the bad boy who mistreats them, even a cliché in the first place?

Why are we drawn to people who could be toxic for us?

It could be their mysterious personality that entices us, or the thrilling times we had with them that seem to out shine the negative experiences. Many people are drawn to relationships where they want to help or fix the other person, and that is usually a recipe for disaster. Some of us have had relationships where we feel we have been treated unfairly, yet were simultaneously sweet talked and shown different forms of kindness. As with everything in this universe, there’s always an ebb and flow of energy between people. When we meet someone of interest who doesn’t show us emotional availability, we give them more energy to try and have it reflected back. This can create a cycle of giving way more energy than receiving it. Of course, it is our brain firing different synapses which make us feel such deep emotions for our partners. The first of which would be dopamine.

Dopamine

Also known as the pleasure center of our brain, dopamine controls the neurotransmitters which associates feelings of happiness. When we have intensely joyous times with someone, the chemicals released during those times sticks with us. So when relationships take a negative turn and you remain in them, you can become like a gambler at a slot machine. You keep investing your time and energy into something that you receive every now and again. It is like hanging onto the few good times when there are much more bad times piling up. It’s that feeling of safety in those good times are what makes you want more, even at the expense of your own happiness.

Oxytocin

Oxytocin, also known as the love or cuddle hormone of our brain. Oxytocin is released when we have a physical bond with someone and through the power of touch, we feel closer with each other. It is the same bond we had with our mother at birth. It doesn’t only produce a feeling of lust, but also trust! So when you have bonded with someone physically, you really have bonded with them both mentally and emotionally as well. This chemical creates our sense of connectedness through physicality. It is something that makes us feel safe, just like when we were a baby with our mother. It can be something we crave even when it’s from someone who will only give it conditionally.

Serotonin

Serotonin are the chemicals that regulate and stabilize our mood and thinking patterns. Interestingly enough, scans have shown that when we are in love, the chemicals in our brain resemble those who have OCD. Many many of us do become very full of care for our partners and this can sometimes look like obsession. Serotonin is responsible for those dreamy recollections and reminiscing over charming moments of the past. It is something that draws us back because it is filled with nostalgia.  It is important to focus on yourself in any relationship, for you are just important as the other person. If you find yourself compromising your needs more than what feels right, you need to evaluate the nature of your relationship. If there is much more negative than positive and it is taking a toll on you, it’s important to weigh your options. If you know your relationship is worth fighting for and something that can be worked out to create harmony, it is up to you and your partner to be as clear and communicative as possible.

This will bring the most clarity and understanding relationship which is the foundation for real growth and transformation.

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